Dean and Tracey set sail for kids on Married At First Sight
I give up, Dean Wells and Tracey Jewel are perfect for each other.
In what might be the oddest parting speech ever pitched on a TV dating show, the couple Australia loves to hate all but sealed the deal, bonding over "old-fashioned values" on parenthood.
It's an unexpected tick for the experts, even if it might leave viewers with eyebrows raised.
With just a week of episodes to go, Married At First Sight is pushing the end of season conundrums, the 'will they?/won’t they?' cliffhangers.
"They should leave no question unanswered, no issue unresolved," an expert says about the couples, before wedging a wedding tape-shaped knife into proceedings.
The couples are forced to watch back their nuptials, each revealing a kernel of doubt about their relationships.
Troy Delmage and Ash Irvin watch the thing like a jaded couple in their 50s, wondering where their youth and vigour went.
"It's weird to see ourselves so happy and oblivious to what's coming," Ash says, while Troy wonders how he can get Ash's wedding day spark back.
He votes on a seaplane. It doesn't do the trick. Either does an awkward beachside PDA, his pale hand roving across Ash's bellybutton. She shuts it down.
Fortunately, a longhaired teen miscreant stumbles upon their seaside picnic, and serenades her with some jaunty acoustic licks. It works, as does Troy's poem rhyming "parties" with "pilates".
They make out all night. After a few false starts, the stars finally align for these two (just ignore all those tabloid pics of Troy rumbling in a park with Carly Bowyer, Nine's PR machine certainly are).
John Robertson and Melissa Walsh, meanwhile, watch their wedding tape in fear.
"It scares me... You say you want something so much and then when it's sticking in your face, you get scared of it," says John.
Melissa's worried they won't survive outside the TV bubble. "How are we gonna make this work?" she says repeatedly.
You kind of wanna reach into the screen and shake them. Calm down, oldies. What are you gonna do, Tinder? You're fine, just go with it.
Which brings us to the couple of reality show nightmares.
Dean and Tracey are all cuddly on their couch, swooning over their wedding tape. But things take a turn when she hears Dean's vows, promising "honesty" and "loyalty", two qualities he conveniently ignored during the whole Davina Rankin scandal.
She has "trust issues", she says, and she grills him about the Davina incident, aboard a boat on the Hawkesbury.
"I didn't really cheat with Davina. Nothing actually happened," Dean actually says. Bad move, goes the mood music.
"Just because you didn't sleep with someone, doesn't mean it's not cheating. It's called 'emotional cheating'," Tracey blasts him.
By this point, she has got tears in her eyes. She finally lays into him, telling him she hasn't had a chance to confront him yet because he's always "setting another new fire we constantly have to put out."
"I feel like I'm the one who's put up with so much this experiment. I've put up with it and put up with it, and I'm still here, I'm still supporting you. And I just wanted some grand gesture of commitment from you," she tells him.
The camera cuts to about 30 dismayed reaction shots from Dean. The cogs are turning, and he launches his incredible pitch.
"I can commit. I can be trustworthy. You can trust me," he says, before positing a nightmare post-show scenario for his bride.
"I've had my time, I've had my fun, I've been single long enough. I want to give all that stuff up... I'm looking for a partner to have kids with," he says.
"I want my wife to be there for our kids and taking care of our kids. I'll be there as well," he remembers to add, "but my wife would definitely be very responsible for raising the children, and I think that's the right way for it to be done."
You might expect Tracey to take a leap into the Hawkesbury, but no – that's not what happens. The harps rise, and the line convinces her.
"Wow, such a serious side to you," she says coyly. "It's very reassuring to hear."
"You know I'm very old-fashioned," she says. "And I do have very old-fashioned values about being a stay-at-home mum, and that's really important to me."
Their union's complete. A promo promises more "how can I trust you?" fireworks on Wednesday's episode, but c'mon, read the tabloids already.
"You don't come across a connection like ours every day," Tracey adds as a final aside to the camera.
Ha, good one.